Bireaux (rin_asano) wrote,

"Lotta strands to keep in the ol' duder's head..."

I have been on a trip back to Florida visiting my family and friends and it has been interesting coming back after being out of the state several months.

I have been having an amazing time staying in NM with Gilbert and his family; they are wonderful and fun to live with. I am getting so much done out there. I have been drawing and painting a lot and I am exploring different types of sculpture, porcelain and stone. Mostly enjoying life and relaxing.

While in town, I have had fun going to the beach, a ball game, and visiting my friends and bringing the gifts I made for everyone.

Generally it has been a fun and semi-relaxing trip.

However, I am posting because I was just so disgusted by something my parents just said. It was so ridiculous. I was sitting here and they were talking about the prison where people have to live out in tents in Arizona and how, “all of them should be like that”. Then I (foolishly) proceeded to get into a useless discussion with my mother about why it is wrong to treat human beings like animals and how I believe treating them in such a way is only making it more likely they will get worse while in there. The she was like: “THESE PEOPLE HAVE AIR CONDITIONING AND GET TO WASH THEIR CLOTHES” then I was like: what about all the innocent people that are in there as well? She says: “THEY GET TO BUY BRAND NEW SHOES WHILE THERE ARE CHILDREN OUT THERE STARVING” I say: I would hate to be in there if I did nothing wrong. She said: but with all the new technology, if they would pay for it, then innocent people could be released. Then I said: well, I know some people get out now after wasting many of their years in prison because of DNA testing, but I am so sure there are people incarcerated unjustly, and people in there on drug charges make me sick. There is no reason to be in a cage because you, buy, sell, or use drugs. Then she just kept saying stuff such as how I should go visit a prison and “see how good they have it”

I love my parents and am happy they raised me, but it is so difficult to relate to people when they say things like that. They are basically nice and caring people, so it weirds me out when they say things like that or racists things. I know they don’t mean it because they are really caring, like I said, but I think it is just ignorance. Well, I just needed to bitch about that.

It also freaks me out when my mom does this thing she used to do when I was young. She will seem fine like the day is good and everything is going well, and then suddenly and out of nowhere she will get enraged and totally pissed off at the world and everything in it. She will just start yelling and harshing my mellow all over the place. I like to live a peaceful and relaxed life with minimal getting worried or upset about things, so this environment is not good for me. I have had fun visiting; however, I can’t wait to get back to NM. I really wish she could be happy like I am. I was sitting around thinking about my parents’ relationship and it made me think of something interesting.

I was thinking about how even though Kenneth and I liked each other still and were very close in the last part of our relationship, if we had tried to stay together out of habit or fear we could have ended up like my parents. That is scary to me. I am so lucky Kenneth finally had the courage and wisdom to break up with me, allowing both of us to find a relationship that could bring us happiness in our older years. I am so happy now; however, that is not to say I wasn’t happy with him. Our relationship was perfect for both of us when we were young. He was the sweetest kindest first boyfriend any young girl could ever have. He helped me in so many ways that contribute to my happiness to this very day. He gave me the courage to be myself and to try things, and discover who I am and want to be. He taught me how to be a kind and good person like he is, and this allowed me to make more friends and love people. I didn’t grow up in an atmosphere where people showed their feeling and emotions much, so I wasn’t great at doing this until he showed me how great it could be. It is funny to me when people think I was emulating him or trying to be like him, because to me we were just so similar because of how long we had been together and how we grew up together. I don't really expect most people to understand what type of relationship we had, because from what I have discovered most people don't get such a great relationship in their whole life, much less their first one. I am definitely grateful. Though it does seem like the more you live with someone the more similar to them you become. I could tell him anything at all, even now, because I know how won’t judge me over it, and beyond that he will offer me good advice and his opinion. I wouldn’t change our time together for anything at all ever, but when you grow up things change and people change. I think it is so important to be honest with yourself and to not be controlled by fear. When I observe how my parents interact and how one can tell they love each other, but not in a way that makes either of them happy, it makes me so sad for them. :( I am grateful I didn’t make the same mistakes in life because I am very happy and I truly know what it takes to make me happy. Gilbert treats me very sweetly, like I deserve to be treated; I love him.

I miss Gilbert so much it is terrible. I want to go home right now, but I have to wait to have enough money to get there.

I guess that is all I feel like rambling about for now. :)
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